You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Randomize
