just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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