I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
