My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
