i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
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