Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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