I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
My vagina is officially offended.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Randomize
