I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
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