Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
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