come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
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