I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Randomize
