So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
