nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
