I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
