dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Randomize
