I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
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