Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize
