You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
