That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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