now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
This is my gift to your gina
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Randomize
