Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
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