She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Randomize
