Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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