the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Randomize
