Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
