if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Randomize
