I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
