If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
So much rum. So many feels.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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