Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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