I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
