I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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