I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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