I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
