i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
We had sex on a dog bed..
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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