I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
sarcasm needs its own font
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he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
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I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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