I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
