I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
