life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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