haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
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