proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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