It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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