I'm jealous of your bromance
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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