just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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