you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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