Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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