blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
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