I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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