I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I wish there were birth control emojis
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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