I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Randomize
