i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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