I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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