he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
