It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
