I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
do all gilrs hav hair on thier vagaina ?
Don't drive home.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
