he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
