I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
