I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
