Plan B is the new Plan A
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
