I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Randomize
