listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
