I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
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