You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
