So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
